


Sonata III in G minor for viola da gamba and harpsichord, BWV 1029

by Stria (Asia117)



Series: An Eternal Golden Braid [4]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: (kinda i mean it's not smut), Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Dysphoria, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, l o o k a t t h e t r i g g e r s p l s
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-19 07:38:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10635282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asia117/pseuds/Stria
Summary: “I didn’t think I would be allowed to find someone like you”“I didn’t think finding someone like you would be that easy.”[Or, Isak is a trans boy. He's getting there.]Translation in русский available inside.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Uh, so, hi! This is the fourth and last story of this series. Because I'm terrible and I want to respect my #aesthetic of making it like the Hofstadter book (+1, cough) and sooo it will end here with a series of snapshots. Short snapshots, whatever.
> 
> So, this series started with me at 2am taken by a sort of creative raptus, writing on the google doc apps of my phone because I didn't want to restart the laptop. It feels personal to me, more than a lot of things I've written, and I'm so happy I could get here to the end, and I'm so glad for the amazing support you all showed me. So, yeah, thank you so much.
> 
> A last thing before you start reading: [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8wp4lu8skQ) is the sonata from the title. It has three movements (Vivace, Adagio, Allegro), and I divided the snapshots according to these.
> 
> You can find the translation in русский [here](https://ficbook.net/readfic/5470096)!

“What makes me a girl, more than anything else, is liking other girls,” tells him Sonja one day. “The way I like other girls is irremediably tied to me being a girl, and it’s an integral part of me.”

Isak takes a sip from his glass. It’s just water, because they decided on an alcohol-free get-together. “You’re saying that I’m a boy because I like boys?” He doesn’t know what to make of it.

Sonja shakes her head. “I’m saying that only you know what is it that makes you a boy. But for me, being a girl means liking other girls.”

Isak doesn’t answer, but looks at Even coming back to the table, plates with bløtkake in hands. He’s smiling hard, his eyes crinkle at the corner, and he’s looking right at Isak. “I have to think about it,” he says.

Sonja smiles, like she always does. “Take your time, Ike.”

 

***

 

“I can’t sleep,” says Even, at 4:45 AM. “I think there’s something coming. Or not. I’m not tired.”

He speaks fast, and Isak is still half asleep and can’t follow him, but mostly. “What are you doing here?”

“You left the double of your keys at mine. I’m sorry.” Even doesn’t really look sorry. Isak chuckles a bit, despite himself.

“Come to bed, won’t you?” he says, and Even happily obliges, taking off all his clothes. He’s warm, and touches Isak delicately, almost reverently, as always.

They have sex, and it’s like other times. Better than other times. Even breathes in his mouth and strokes his cheeks for the entire time, and he loses himself in Even’s smile, Even’s sweat, Even’s whispered _yes, baby boy, you’re amazing, you’re perfect_.

Even told him that he loves having sex when he’s feeling close to mania, because the feeling is fantastic, and Isak is fantastic too, of course. Isak just thinks that every time he has sex with Even is better than the one before.

 

***

 

Sometimes Isak wishes he could just be gone from home, live somewhere that’s not the place where he grew up, the place where his father played with him and raised him, only to abandon him when he discovered he wasn’t his _precious daughter_. It’s hard. Every nook and corner reminds Isak of something, and when he feels down he just wants to go away, get in a bar and get drunk, not have to think about how he destroyed his family.

Mamma helps. She’s not always well, but she tries her best, and Isak knows it, and knows it wouldn’t feel right to him to live without her, not when she tries so hard to be there for him, but.

But sometimes, she simply can’t, she doesn’t act like a mother, and that’s something that cuts Isak deeper than everything else. Sometimes he just wants to be a teen and be reminded of that, but he’s there to get Mamma to the psych and then remind her they have to go grocery shopping and then maybe he should clean the house and then. And then.

It’s not always like that, but Isak is _tired_ , and it’s eventually his fault only, because he destroyed his family, not anyone else. So he has to suck it up.

 

***

 

Isak likes spending time with Mahdi because they don’t have to speak. They can just chill a bit, and smoke, and Mahdi will put on his music, and Isak will close his eyes and lose himself in cloud of smoke and voices singing about _huriye_.

“It’s just cool songs, man,” says Mahdi when Isak asks why. “I’m not as political as Jonas.”

“But then things you listen are more political than the things Jonas listens.”

Mahdi just smiles and puts on another song. “That’s because Jonas is into that shitty gangsta rap,” he says.

Isak smiles, takes another drag from the joint.

 

***

 

Isak just wishes they would _go the fuck away_. They’re just lumps of fat on his chest, and they’re of no use anyway, they don’t have any fucking use, and Isak hates them because they’re just a daily reminder that whatever is in charge of things has failed him. They’re _there_ , and they’re fucking big, and at least they could have been less big so the binder would work better and not leave him with lumps.

Even tells him they’re barely noticeable from the front, but Even is biased, and Even would do anything to make him feel better, and Isak is happy about that, but also it doesn’t mean he feel less the need of just take a knife and cut the fucking lumps away. He would end up at the hospital, but at least he would finally have a flat chest.

He never has the courage to cut them up. Instead, he cuts up his wrist for the parts of his body that he can’t cut away. He does it methodically, and stops only when the endorphins kick in, breathes deeply. Small cuts on his arm for the bigger cuts he wishes he could do.

 

***

 

Even always kisses his scars and cuts, so gently like he’s scared of harming him. Isak hates himself, and hates the fact that he inflicts this on Even. Even never says anything.

 

***

 

It’s a journey of trans-formation, Isak thinks when he can’t bear it. When he’s beaten down and just wants to stop living, to stop existing, to go to sleep and never wake up again. It’s a journey of transformation.

He makes lists, he makes lists when he’s happy and reads them when he’s sad. He makes lists so he knows that things are getting better, they’re advancing steadily, and nothing is how it was the day before. He’s a step closer to T, he’s a step closer to having the inside of him being the same as the outside. A step closer to have the body right for his mind.

He lists positive things in his life, and Even is always the first element.

 

***

 

He comes out to Sana casually, one afternoon after school, when they’re discussing their upcoming biology project. She’s telling him they should meet up, his house or her house or doesn’t matter where, and he just blurts it out.

“I’m trans.”

If Sana’s surprised, she doesn’t show it. “Does this mean I have to call you with another name?” She’s serious, even more serious than before, and Isak smiles.

“No, actually. I’m a boy, and Isak is my name.”

Sana nods, and pats him on the shoulder, “You’re a brave person,” she says, and Isak shakes his head.

“I’m just trying to be myself, the alternative would be getting out of the house feet first,” he jokes, and Sana rolls her eyes.

“Don’t you dare think about it, I don’t want to end up with Lise as a biology partner. I like my 5 as it is, thanks.”

“So you admit it’s thanks to me that you have a 5?” Isak smirks, cockily, and Sana shakes her head.

“Not really, if you don’t tell me when and where can we meet for the project.”

Isak laughs, and tries to think about a viable time. Later, when he’s back home, Sana sends him a message. It says _ana asif_ , and Isak has to google it.

It means _I’m sorry_. He smiles.

 

***

 

“What _even_ is gender, honestly.” Isak missed smoking with Jonas, missed being able to ramble. He shrugs.

“Man, ee dee kay. I don’t know. A strange green blob coming from the walls, I guess.”

“They’re coming outta the goddamn walls!” Jonas shakes his hands and Isak laughs.

“That would be right up Even’s alley,” he murmurs, though he’s not sure cinema snob Even would appreciate Jonas quoting Aliens. “Whatever, it’s a cinematic masterpiece,” and Even doesn’t understand what are good films anyway.

Jonas raises his eyebrows, and Isak realises half of what he wanted to say stayed in his mind. His fit of laughter doesn’t calm for a bit, afterwards.

 

***

 

“How does it feel?” Asks Isak. He’s not sure what to think about it, he’s not sure if he’s hurting Even, if he didn’t prepare him enough. It’s his first time, and he’s scared.

Even just kisses him slowly, chaste, in a stark contrast with how he usually is. He looks quietly overwhelmed and amazed. “It feels amazing, babe,” he mumbles. His words are a bit jumbled, blurry around the edges, and Isak feels suddenly overwhelmed.

“You tell me if I’m too rough?”

Even closes his eyes and brings Isak down, burying his face in Isak’s neck. “Promise,” he mumbles, and then bites a bit, just that bit that make shivers run down his spine, and his hips stutter.

They’re quiet, breathing into each other, and Even is usually so talkative but Isak could make him so overwhelmed that he can’t speak, just scratches lightly his arms and his back, and Isak cries just like the other first times.

It’s a happy cry, and Even can recognise it by now, and he just kisses away is tears.

 

***

 

“I didn’t think I would be allowed to find someone like you”

“I didn’t think finding someone like you would be that easy.”

 

***

 

_:)_

  * _Even_
  * _Mamma says I can get HRT_
  * _I met Sonja_
  * _I came out to people_
  * _They reacted well_
  * _Even_



 

***

 

“Did you really.” Says Isak. Magnus looks about to start patting himself on the back. “How did you know my size?”

“I asked Jonas. Well?”

The binder is personalised, black with metallic lettering. _DOES THIS MAKE ME LOOK FLAT?_ , it recites, and Isak is trying really hard not to laugh. “Nobody will ever see it, you’re aware of this?”

“But bro, I just wanted to do something nice for you!” Magnus seems genuinely beaten down, and Isak allows himself a smile.

“It’s very nice Mags, thank you.”

 

***

 

Mamma looks at him, doesn’t speak, but there’s a question in her eyes. Isak smiles. “It went well, Mamma. Really.”

Dr. Offerdal was nice, and there were a lot of question asked. But that means he’s one step closer to an official diagnosis and the start of HRT. He’s so glad he could go to the same doctor Sonja goes, at least he has someone to recommend it to him.

“It went well,” he repeats.

Mamma smiles and takes him under her arm. “Do you want to go eat ice cream?” she says, and it’s like Isak is a kid again and they just came out of the doctor’s office and his parents used to buy ice cream for a prize.

Only he doesn’t have a pink dress and long blonde hair anymore, and that sounds like rewriting memories.

“Only if they have sprinkles,” he says, and smiles at Mamma’s laugh.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to [Monstre](http://monstermostre.tumblr.com) that was so nice to me when I asked them about the bipolar disorder.
> 
> I would love to hear what you think about this series, both here or on [my tumblr](http://nooradeservedbetter.tumblr.com)!


End file.
